Thursday, January 24, 2013

In Theaters This Weekend: January 25, 2013


This week, it looks again like nothing more than a handful of "filler titles". That is, unless I was mistaken and the entire planet is eagerly awaiting "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters"... The other two movies being released are "Movie 43" and "Parker".

Due to my entire lack of enthusiasm towards each of these titles, this week's post will probably be even shorter than my other installments, but still hit the jump for some quick thoughts on what to expect this weekend.

I'll start with "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters". This is based on the classic fairy tale everyone knows and I'm sure many people love. We have it spun on its side here where the foolish, fat, and greedy children rise from the ashes of their past to become exactly what the world needs: witch hunters. Great. I'm sure the studio thought this would be a fun take on the tale, but let's be honest here, this looks like total garbage. Who is honestly wanting to go see this film? I have been wrong about these things in the past, but at first glance all I can say is, Jeremy Renner, wtf?! He's done so much better at this point that I can't even understand why he'd do a film that looks so terrible. But then I step back from the idea that every film needs to be appealing to me and go eh, whatever; people need to make money. That's the best I can say for this film though. I think that concludes my thoughts here.

"Movie 43" is a nice wholesome, R-rated family comedy about a group of kids trying to find the most banned movie on the internet. The film is presented as a series of short films all put together with an overarching plot that thinly follows these kids. Basically think V/H/S but with like funny pornos or something. The cast here is a real draw for most people, myself included, as it contains, well....literally almost every person whom has ever been associated with Hollywood (thanks, Wikipedia!) in any way, shape or form. I'm not entirely sure this will get my theater dollars this weekend, but it definitely looks mindlessly entertaining. I can think of much worse ways to spend a weekend (see above).

Last and almost probably least, we have "Parker". This film is an action/crime movie about.....screw it, it's a movie were Jason Statham punches and or kicks people a lot. And Jennifer Lopez is there too. Do you seriously need to know more about this movie? How will this film be any different than any other Jason Statham movie we've seen in the past? Are people in the theater watching this trailer going oh, that actually looks like a good, creative plot! More likely, people see this trailer and go, hey a bunch of people get beat up, plus there seems to be a scene where J Lo has to take her clothes off...sure, I'll watch that. I'm not sure there are better or worse new options for you this weekend (not surprisingly, not a single review for any of these three movies on Rotten Tomatoes yet), but if you're wanting anything more from "Parker" than some routine Statham action and a few J Lo teases, this probably isn't the film for you.

Does anyone really care about the box office numbers this weekend? Last week's numbers were already disappointing and pathetic as it is. I don't imagine anything this week will resonate well with audiences, either. Does "Mama" take the top spot again? If it will be anything else, I sure know I have no clue. Look for the traditional January box office dips to continue with force this weekend.

Whelp, that looks like about all the time I have today (or, at least all that I care about). Hit the theaters with caution, but check back here with anything you feel like sharing! Have fun and try to enjoy some films!